Gang Fang's Blog

It is incredibly difficult to be honest. Even with this writing, I am tempted to say stuff that shows off my knowledge that’s why I am writing in obsidian and not on my blog before I want to publish. So yesterday I went to the belly of the beats battle, I wasn’t physically in the good condition to participate, but I went anyway. I didn’t want to do it at first, but after Katie’s class when I did some very interesting and honest movement explorations I thought maybe I could do the same thing at the battle. I went to the venue and of course things muddy up real quick. There were many many voices in my head as usual every time I enter a competitive event. Different ideas were shouting to get the attention like what strategy to use what moves to use should I be showing my aesthetics instead etc. etc. it wasn’t a good feeling and I wanted to leave for a moment, but I knew it would be awkward so I stayed. I guess I would have a better time if my body allowed me to engage, but it was just soft. anyway I did my prelim round, and I thought that was not too bad. I was expecting to be in the top 32 but I ended up not making it. and I remember that I was faking smile even when nobody was watching. But wait probably I was watching myself. I still cared, but I pretended not to. the inner battle and conflict were difficult to bear. So I just wanted to escape from the venue and the crowd, I thought about asking Mori to leave together because we could share a Uber, but I just wanted to run. Even the running was difficult, there was confusion and hesitation in confirming my Uber ride because if ever someone was watching, I imagined they would think that I was a loser. But the thought of being intentional came back, and I just demanded myself to act. So I ran away.

This whole thing is so difficult because I know I am deep down very introspective and showing off skills for approval seems to go against my nature. even though I have done it with some success in Seattle. I guess I didn’t have the depth of knowledge in myself as a person back then and was driven very much by the competitive aspect of myself so I obtained some reasonable result, especially compared to my Chinese peers who all ended up in good career in a conventional sense. But now I am at the crossroad. I tried more things, and therefore there are more perspectives. More perspectives come with more options. And more options are confusing. I really like Katie’s way, the contemporary way where I just explore and experiment. This feels at least more innovative to me, instead of showing off skills and winning approvals. I remember and am fond of Katie’s requests: be honest, to focus on the task, no need for decorations, learned materials is there to support self expression. I want to do all these in the platform that I have been involved for so long. I want to do this in the street style gatherings and battles, but I just don’t know if that is possible. there are again a lot of perspectives and they compete. One is these battles are at the end of the day a sports event because of the evaluation system and peoples attitudes towards it. But at the same time, I saw innovators who have succeeded in this competitive landscape: slim boogie, paris, alesya and so on. however, I am not sure if they are granted the privilege to innovate because they were already famous and dominant in the hierarchy. (I try not to be political, but everything is politics so got to mention that)

But anyway, I dragged my depressed self back home and just wanted to finish the night with a movie, some distraction. I ended up watching the 2022 film The Whale and surprisingly, I believe it was sharing the same message – honesty, honesty in my expression. There is no escape that this is a self-centered process because the expression has to be mine to be honest. some people think this is selfish, but I have to stand by this idea, especially because on top of that I want to innovate. Yes, to express honestly and to innovate. Cut out all the fluffs. I think there is a high chance that this approach is not approved and will not be approved, but I would still like to assign some uncertainty to it. and I want to figure it out how exactly to be honest in the physical world with my body and movements. Just like this writing, I write what I truly think and I don’t let the imagination of this and that being my readers distorts my expression. I hope I can do the same in my dancing. I dance when I truly feel and die happy.

Paint as you like and die happy.
Henry Miller

Just write me something honest.
The Whale

https://johnpweiss.com/blog/185578/maybe-i-should-just-write-something-honest